SpeakSpeak News

3/3/2005

A SpeakSpeak Bedtime Story

Filed under: — Amanda Toering @ 4:45 pm

Once upon a time, there was a cable company named Adelphia. It wasn’t the biggest cable company in the land, but it was ranked #5 – and #5 is waaaaay better than #6.

One day, the little-cable-company-that-could decided it would offer < *wink*> adult programming < *wink*> to its adult subscribers. See, sometimes adults like to watch, well, “certain programs,” that are made for adults by other adults. It’s sort of like when kids watch “SpongeBob,” or when Mommy watches “Trading Spaces,” or when Daddy watches “American Chopper.” These “certain programs” are like “American Chopper” for horny people.

What’s “horny?” I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Anyway, Adelphia decided to tap in to the horndog market and offer extra-special programming just for adults. Why? Well, because the adults would give Adelphia money, and if Adelphia got more money then it could maybe become the #3 CABLE COMPANY in the country! Number 3 is waaaaay better than #5!

Now, parents are really protective of their children. Remember Hansel and Gretl’s parents? It’s sort of like that. Parents will do anything to protect their children from the Big Bad World – that’s their job! So some people were really, really angry when the Kingdom of Adelphia announced that it would start selling these extra-special programs to adults.

In fact, in the province of Mississippi, there was a man named Donald WildMon who got sooooo angry. Donald WildMon had many followers, in Mississippi and in all of the other provinces, too!

Well, Donald WildMon and his many followers knocked on the door of the Kingdom of Adelphia, and they huffed and puffed. But before they could blow the house down, the Kingdom of Adelphia changed its mind.

Now, not to get off-track, but there’s this new monster named Alberto Gonzales. We’ll call him Grimzales.

Grimzales is one of the most powerful monsters in the whole wide world! He slays obscenity with his magical gavel. Anyway, followers of Donald WildMon are claiming victory over the Kingdom of Adelphia, saying it was the kingdom’s fear of Grimzales that made them cower in the corner of their castle.

The end.

The moral of the story: You might want it, but someone else doesn’t want it for their kids, so you can’t have it.

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